And now I will go on like I always do, a smile that won't crack. If my smile breaks, and even have a moment of self doubt, or anger, then all of a sudden im a bad person. Im obsessive, or not being a friend, heaven forbid i care for someone.
Emotions snowball. I was at the top of the hill tonight, having a grand old time. The one little slip in emotion and i'm tumbling down the hill. I keep picking up snow and now I'm angrier than I have been in a long time. I'm sick of everything that happens to me. It's so miniscule yet so important.
How can you care for someone so much but not get anything in return, it's not even plausible.
“’The winter loves me,” he retorted, and the, disliking the whimsical sound of that, added, “I mean as much as you can say a season can love. What I mean is, I love winter, and when you really love something, then it loves you back, in whatever way it has to love.”’ - John Knowles, A Seperate Peace
And then your friends take off their masks
Just a venting session...
You're climbing up stairs, and you're making your way to the top, but you miss a step. You slip, but you keep going. You miss another, this time you fall backwards, and then you fall down, you tumble down... you wake up a few minutes later, not able to recall what happened. You know you fell, you were up there and now you're down here, but what happened? That analogy (yes I know it's weak) is what I'm feeling lately. Two weeks ago I was happy. I don't know what it was that made me happy, i was just happy, then something happened, I don't know what that was either (noticing a pattern?) and now things have progressively been getting worse.
Now technically, no, things actually have been great. And I keep saying that to myself, but it can't be great, if it's great, why do I feel so shitty? I was angry for most of yesterday, angry at everything and everyone. No one notices though, and I'm wondering if that's because I'm a good actor, or because no one cares.
Nothing is for certain. Nothing is for certain, and never trust your feelings. If you feel something is going well, that what you're doing is right, then you're wrong. Everything you do is wrong, and turn you make is the wrong one and everything you say is the wrong thing to say. Or, maybe thats just me.
I guess all I can do is turn on some blues, put my mask back on and go out there a pretend to be whatevery one wants me to be, and what I want myself to be.
I have a full day today, from eight in the morning til ten tonight, so there's not much to say. But I'm going to be tired.
Neglect Wednesday, October 25, 2006 |
I've learned recently that If I don't have time to blog in the mornings, I don't. I've been getting up just in the nick of time lately, and have neglected my blog. I feel bad :P But not really.
How can I take what could be and make it what is?
Hmm, what has been up lately, hmm, tis a good questions, and I guess in the honesty that I never lose, I would have to say nothing. But that wouldn't suprise you now would it. School, work, friends, and if I can fit it, games. That is how my life rotates. Not that I think of it it rarely deviates from that strict schedule, and I guess that doesn't bother me. That's all I really need, or anyone needs for that matter.
I'm sorry for what's been said
It just occured to me that I never have explained the reason for all the italic writing in between paragraphs. I've decided to take my "Current Song" thing-a-ma-jiggy from it, because it takes the feeling I want from the blog, makes it feel too much like a journal than a rant. Well I will usually place things from songs, or things that have been bouncing around in my head in italics, but only if it means something important to me. Everything inbetween paragraphs has a purpose, it has a meaning, plus it breaks the train of thought as I segue myself into a different topic.
It makes angels weep
At the moment everything is blurring by, in retrospect I would have to say it's blissful, even though in the back of my head there is one topic digging away. I have to ignore it now, I can't be myself, or who I used to be, I just can't. He didnt work then, so why would he work now.
Is there a solution?
Deviation of the Day
Reno Shape by His Half ElfLabels: Deviation
All I thought when I saw this was, "I laughed so hard I fell!"
Sleeping Beauty by Barbie21Labels: Deviation
Last night for dinner I have a cup of coffee and a pickle, this morning I'm having left over pizza and a cup of coffee, wow, i sure have a well balanced diet.
I guess you could say that right now I'm in a lighter mood than I have been, but I'm upset that I have to go to school, and do the same old shit I always do. Hopefully I'll make an effort today, even though I doubt it. At least I still don't feel like last night. I felt like the lame dog that you just don't have the heart to put down. Oh well.
Engrish
Hmm, I was thinking about how I could represent how often my mood changes, and I figured what better way than a [poorly put together] graph!
I.. have way too much time on my hands.
I had a dream the other night. I was falling, I don't know I got up into the air, all I know is that I was falling toward the Earth at an alarming rate. For the first bit I was frantic, trying to find a way to slow myself down, to stop falling. I had no parachute, there were no clouds to grab on to, there was nothing I could do. The rest of the dream was acceptance. It was very hard to do, but I had to accept my imminent death. It was the worst feeling in the world, knowing I was going to die and not able to do anything about it. I just watched the ground come closer and closer. But I wasn't alone, there was a girl beside me, I didn't see her face, but we were falling together, there was a point when we held onto one another, both in a frantic state, but then we just fell. I don't know what happened after the falling. I wonder what that dream means...
I saw that smile on your face
I just now watched the movie Click, and I have to say I loved it. The movie itself wasn't great, but the underlying message was. It was man's struggle against his own greed, he watched his empire crumble, and he couldn't stop it. I will admit that I actually cried in this movie. For a man to cry, is very, very immasculating, it's not a thing that we will admit often, I probably cry a total of twice a year, if that. But there was a point in the movie that I felt I could relate to, I barely understand it though. He made decisions, that seemed right at the time, but when he saw later what he had done, and what he was doing, he hated himself. Crying, in itself feels great, it didn't last long, but once I had started I really didn't want to stop. I wanted to be five years old again, when I could cry about everything, and it was acceptable. It was short, but it was very relieving, with every tear left alot of stress, a whole weight was sort of lifted off my shoulders.
What can I do to make you love me
Deviation of the day
months ago by mi4
I really like the ambiance this piece portrays, its very simple, but in my mind it says so much.
Labels: Deviation
Saturday, October 21, 2006 |
He really had nothing, so he had nothing to lose. He thought to himself, "I will risk all the nothing I have and face the unknown in search of something." This gave him a sense of purpose - this was something worth having nothing for. - The Adventures of Anybody
Current Music: The Day No One Needed To Know - Moneen
nothing's alright
What do I do now? That's a question that is constantly on everyone's mind, whether it's concious or not. But usually it's small things, it doesn't usually matter. But when a decision that actually matters to you comes up, and it means your current world, which way do you turn?
That's not me. You know me well enough to know that's not me, and that when I say it's not, i'm sincere.
Now. For now. When is now? What is it? Is now this second? Is now today? Is now tomorrow? How long can now last? A year? Will someone tell me when now is done? Or am I going to have to guess? If I guess I'm going to fail, and now will be lost inside the answers.
You find two notes: one says you might succeed. The other says you'll ruin everything.
Feelings aren't things that can come and go with the change of the wind. You can't feel one thing one day and then not the next. You may think you do, but you will find you don't. Trying to sort through my feelings is like putting me in a maze...blindfolded. I know what I feel, and I know how I want things to be. I know that it would work, I know that it would be great, but you can't have a duet on your own, and I don't feel like flying solo.
Wait? why.
Current Song: Injection - Rise Against
The snow hath fallen last night, the second time this autumn. I'm not a fan of winter, it's far too cold, especially here in Winnipeg. I do like snow though, like last night when I left work, there was a light snow fall drifting down from the grey nothing above. I'm still to understand why it is so hard for them the land on your tongue.
Don't come up empty handed
Hooray for Friday, the day before weekends, for it has come. Sadly I work all weekend, so my days off arent really days off, I'll sleep through most, probably play alot of games. As winter nears closer there is less of me wanting to go outside. It's too cold, and even when it isn't cold, it's just not nice. But I have to make sure I don't become a closet case and not leave my house all winter, all though that would be pretty cool.
There are a million reasons for why this may not work... and just one good one for why it will
I've decided lately, that [unless I get bored of it] I'm going to post a piece of artwork from DeviantArt everyday. I will give the link to the hosted one on DA, and will give full credit to the artist, its just something fun to do. I'm going to be doing my best to pick things that I find deeper than an image, that are either really well done, or have some emotion to them.
Vouivre Elzefnir couleurs by *soys Labels: Deviation
And then I told you to stop reading... well just because I love you I'll keep going. Excitement you ask? Oh nothing, nothing at all happens to me that can be defined with the word exciting. Now if you asked me, "Hey, what's been midly entertaining you lately?" THEN I'd have an answer.
A devil in a midnight mass, killed the boy inside the man
Last night a bunch of the guys got together and we LAN'd a bit. Played some CS:S and CoH. Nothing exciting lately, or ever for that matter. But I wonder if I want excitement, it would have to be something huge for it to be exciting. Hmm, like someone I know getingt into a horrible car accident, but coming out fine. Yeah, that would be exciting. Or even better, if I did. Yeah I think I could go for some of that.
There will be no missing me tonight
I need to go on a rant here, but who wants to guess what I woke up to this morning? I woke up to my parents arguing, and all I got out of it was that my mom didn't want my dad to rip me a new one for their internet not working. I'm the only person in my house who is computer literate, I put the router in my room for the sake of not having to go upstairs to change things. Everytime they dont get their emails, which is a constant thing (because Outlook Express blows hard) they blame me, regardless of the countless times I've told them I don't know why they cant get their emails. They're hooked up to the internet, it's something within the program or computer. Anyways, I hear the argument end so it won't escalate to a fight, then my mom wakes me up to tell me that I better fix the internet, it was a threat, but it wasn't from her. So I head on upstairs, turn on the computer(wait an hour for the piece to load up), to find that they're internet is working smoothly. I try to explain that I have no clue why they can't get their email, and that's its probably something to do with you changing your service providor, and they understood it. But that will only last a day, this will happen again in a week or so, and it will piss me off just as much then as it did today.
Rescue me
A first kiss is something that is supposed to happen when your a child, so when you miss, you can act like a child. I mentioned in a previous blog that I've been a different person lately, and well its true. But I've found something wrong with the new me, he doesn't care. In the most serious, dramatic or romantic moments Im constantly just laughing everything off. Other people may find it irritating, I myself do. It sort of sucks, because I can never truly stop and just tell someone how I feel about whatever it is we're talking about or doing. People are so used to the joking me, they're expecting one.
Teen Romance is a magical thing. I was pondering a few things today, comparing what teens do compared to adults, and I have to say that romance wise we do the best and worst things ever. When you're young, love isn't an experience yet, it's a phenomenon, everyone is trying to find their own, to discover it, let alone explore the thought. But at the same time, things can end as quickly as they began, and hearts may be hurt more than you know. I've barely trailed up the mountain, but as far as I can tell it's a trip well worth it.
Current music: Killing in the name - Rage Against the Machine
And then you do what they tell you
Well I'm pretty scrapped on homework right now, I procrastinated a 3 hours project to today, if I'm lucky I cant get an extension, im good that way. Hmm, last night I LANd with my buddy Dann on Company of Heroes for a few hours, man is that an awesome game. And my other friend stayed outside an ebGames last night to preorder the Wii. You've got to love game addictions.
Hm, another week of school is here, another bad week, it will probably go by quickly. As I said before, time goes by slow and fast and that same time, so each day takes forever, but a week goes by quickly.
Fuck you I won't do what you tell me
That feeling. You know the feeling, the feeling that you get when you're high up in the air, about to dive into the water. When you're at the edge, and you're looking down. You're thinking to yourself how much you want to jump. You're right at the edge too, its right there, but theres always something holding you back, like your legs not moving, or the nervousness, because you don't know how its going to end, or if it will hurt.
That's how I feel lately, its constantly there, im on the brink of discorvery but something is holding me back. Lately has been amazing, that is the only word I can think of, and I think it's an understatement. I've traveled so far in so little time. So many hours spent talking, but it feels like a microscopic segment of time, of what could be. Hmm, shall I leap off of my diving board of safety?
Because your sad song made it sadder.
Engrish...
In the past few months, maybe receeding back into the summer, I have been a different person. It may not be that noticable, well maybe thats because i'm failing at it, but I am trying. Just, someone with more confidence, in themselves and their actions. I enjoy it more that way too, as long as your confident in what you're doing, others will do the same. Sometimes I'll catch myself doing what I used to, and I'll slap myself across the face (not literally of course).
Last night I figured I'd grab some of The Mars Volta, that my buddy Scott is always talking about, well apparently I grabbed something like all of it, so thats fun. He's right, it's a really aquired taste. I really like it though, I like the musicianship, and the complete freedom to whatever they feel. Alot of the stuff they play, as easy as it sounds, isnt, simply to count of keep in your head is difficult.
So everyday I wake up I have a shower, grab some coffee, and venture down to my room. There are comics and blogs I read every morning. I enjoy it, sometimes when I'm bored I'll reread a comic from the start. One of my favorite comics (these are consider online comics by the way, they are just printed Spiderman comics scanned in, for those unfamiliar with the idea) would be Applegeeks. I've been following it for well over a year now, and I really enjoy it. The writer for comic, Ananth, has a blog that keeps on his own. He writes alot of things in it, and he'll do little writing spurts to get his imagination going, or a warm up or whatever he uses it for. Reading that stuff is a good example of how writing is an artform. A particular story line he's been using is about a woman named Autumn, and I just love to read the description in it. "With her dark hair, ivory skin, and dusky lipstick, Autumn was a black and white photo." That sticks in the back of my mind for some reason.
I'll save the rest for another time.
Phenomenon Wednesday, October 11, 2006 |
Stress has seaped through the cracks of everyones door and brings with it sleepless hours. This last month has been a good one, but at the same time it was too eventful, people are reaching their limits.
"There must be something wrong with me", oh how many times I say that to myself in a day. I have alot of things going on in my life right now, things that should concern and worry me, but I'm sleeping fine. There is no gray area where I'm awake at night. Probably because of the realization that there's nothing you can do, in the end it all runs a cycle.
I can't lose grip on my intetions because if I lose grip on something inside my head I lose grip on my head altogether. If that happens then it's out of my hands, things snowball and it never ends pretty.
On the greener side, my buddy showed me some good tunes last night. Protest the Hero is one of the bands, and it's great. It's heavier stuff, but it is really really good. It's not just straight powerbeats it has alot of talent in there. The other, Coheed & Cambria; I haven't had as much listening time to them (I woke up craving Protest) but as far as I can tell they're good as well. Hmm so definitive, "good".
Not Listening by Mr-Gizmo
I am still wanting to get a webcomic going. I've had ideas for webcomics running through my head for the past year, and i've been wanting to more than ever lately. I don't exactly have plots in my head, actually I know i don't. I have ideas, feelings, I know how I want it to feel when you read it. I have a basis, but I haven't thought out anything, and I'm too impatient to write out script before hand. I'll never get around to doing it of course.
I can't lose grip on my intentions.
How can time be going slow and fast at the same time? Days are going by like the snap of a finger, but seconds take an hour. 1s = 1s{60}
Wow boredom, apologize for the ramble.
Planes are thinking machines, especially low class ones. You have nothing to do but watch the clouds and ponder the things and people close to you. I levitated above the earth the other, I was going 600 M/H but it felt like I was standing. You senses mislead you, they always have and they always will.
Sometimes you have to question whether you're flying or falling. Do you know where you're going? First off, do you remember how you got there? I know I don't. I don't know any of those answers, I can't tell if the decisions I'm making are the right ones. I don't know how I got to where I am, what if I could have made better decisions than I did? And where I'm I trying to go? In the end where do I want to end up? Do I even know?
No.
Little sketch Thursday, October 05, 2006 |
Im getting better i swear.
Current Mood: Good...coffee...oh dear God coffee.
Current Song: The Walking Dead - Dropkick Murphys
Fake smiles everywhere I look lately. It's hard to find the place between being something your not, and being annoyingly depressing. On one hand you could express and show your feeilings, but if it bothers your friends they might get a tad pissed off at you. But if you put on a mask all the time, you might become afraid to be yourself.
Segue
So everyone I work with smokes pot, or atleast 90% of them. Today my buddy calls me to the change room and shows me two hundred dollars worth of it, I just laugh at it and play along. That's all I ever do really. They're all very determined to get me to do it, I tell them that I probably will at one point, just to venture into the unknown. I'm not worried about it, I don't have an addictive personality. I dont have anything against marijuana, I just don't like the idea of it. You don't lose all your decision making, but it is definitely different. Last week someone I worked with jumped off the top of our building when he was stoned. But I believe that everything on this planet has a purpose, even though we know that is has medical purposes. Anyways, I would put that before alchohol anyday. Pot doesn't cause anger of violence, its more of a relaxer.
Anywho, thats just a what if thing. I still want to try smoking mint...yes, take the time to laugh. I know it sounds dumb, but I still want to try it. I could imagine it clearing my sinuses heh.
I don't know what to say. I would love for this blog to be really profound, but I know that my profound moments only come once in a blue moon, and this fills one of the many many voids in my life, so I can't sacrifice it yet. I got paid today, so I figure I'll buy a camera, I want a nice one, but nothihng crazy pricey. Then maybe I'll get some photos going. Speaking of which, my cousin (who I am leaving to go see this weekend) takes great photos, you should check her out.
The steady rise and fall of my empire receeds back to the age of dinosaurs when I stepped on a butterfly. Damn you course of evolution.
Life would be so much easier if I had an addictive personality. I'm sitting here bored out of mind, with nothing to do. Sure I could play some video games that I've poured hundreds of dollars into, but nah, I've already done that. I could drum, but nah, I've already done that. There's nothing to do, TV doesn't entertain me anymore. I want to go out, but I have no one to go out with, I guess thats the downfall of losing a friend. It's almost as if I'm in a state of boredom that there is no escape.
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
I went for my work name tag a minute ago, apparently the pin was open and I stabbed my thumb pretty deeply. I applied pressure on it to stop the bleeding, and it worked, but now there is a null ache, my thumb whimpering. Pain is such an odd thing. When something in your body happens that shouldn't, electric signals are sent through your nerves to your brain informing it, which then tells you (strange to look at your brain as being a completely different being. In a sense it is, it does more than us, we don't blink, we don't breathe, we don't walk. Our brain does that for us) that something is wrong via what we consider to be pain. But if you focus on that idea hard enough, you can make it go away. Inside your head just repeat to yourself, "I know I just hurt my thumb, I understand that." and it eventually goes away. That sounds pretty odd, but I do it all the time.
I'm basically blogging this out of boredom. I have nothing else to do, I will end up playing a video game out of spite. Hm, maybe some Battlefield 2. Yeah, that sounds good.
>
So today I'm "sick", I just woke up this morning and really didn't want to go to school, in all honesty I have been sick lately so it's not a complete lie. But it's nice to have a day off, my two friends came over during their spares and we watched The Boondock Saints, I got my pimp on :P.
Last night after about half an hour of installing adn reinstalling drivers, I got my piece of shit camera (it was free, so I cant complain...but do anyways) to work as a webcam. So now when my friend uses hers, I can do it too, althought I feel totally awkward and have way too much fun with it.
Lately has been really good, on the whole friend situation, last night I had work with him. We were talking, so I guess that's a step forward.
It kind of sucks, I dont like how my ranting sounds, but I'm in a good mood.
Current Mood: Moody...
Current Music: My Darkest Hour - Scary Kids Scaring Kids
What would life be like without rhetoricle questions?
Yay, in a little while I get to go work with my friend who hates me :P this should be an eventful day. In the mean time nothng has happened, I'm having my daily fix of coffee. This last weekend has entirely been a blur of tired goodness. Been fun, and even though it has had some consequences, it was still worth it.
Maybe if I say it over and over again it will become true. Wouldn't we all love that? If life was that easy? "There's no place like home."
I'm very in and out right now, have a lot of stuff on my mind, and I'm ignoring it all, which takes alot of mind power and focus.
+20 HP!
Monday, October 02, 2006 |
Current Mood: Angry with a smile
Current Music: The Day No One Needed To Know - Moneen
Don't tell me what I can or can't do, that is one thing that pisses me off greatly. So, I spoke of my friend in my last blog, we talked yesterday, well more fought. We got into an arguement, I clearly came out on top, but I pushed the bar at the end by calling him a woman. Anyways, he completely befriended me, and then proceeds to tell me that I'm abad friend. Irony? The worst part is that I dont really care, we'll either be friends next week, or we won't. We've been best friends for over a year, and if he just throw that away than that's his doing, not mine.
Sing for love, sing for laughter, sing for everyone, here and after. Sing for fear, sing for hatred, sing for everyone, sing for everyone less then sacred.
In lighter news, I actually did my homework, which is suprising. Hm, I am really starting to think that there is something wrong with me, or that there's something normal with me and I've just always been wrong. But I just don't seem to care about anything anymore. And when I say that it's not an exaggeration. I mean in the long run does anything I do now actually count? Any achievements I make right now will just be things I can look back on, not something that I can appreciate. Because as we grow, so do our standards.
As much as I say it aloud, I feel that I need to type the fact that I really need a girlfriend. Why? Why do I need a girlfriend? Well I don't, but do I really really want one? yes. But, it doesn't matter either, like I said I don't care anymore. Whether I win or lose, succeed or fail it all figures it self out in the end. Regardless, I still want someone to hold, and furthermore someone who wants me to hold them.
Don't ever tell Lock what he can and can't do.
Sunday, October 01, 2006 |
There are certain people in this world who seem to only think for themselves, these people need to learn a lesson, and grow up. My best friend is angry at me as of late. What for, you ask? I have no idea. He broke up with his girlfriend last week, her and I used to be pretty good friends, and then for somereason we stopped while they dated. We're friends again though, anyways, her and I have been hanging out lately. Apparently to my friend this is grounds to call me things like 'Judest', or 'rat'. He refuses to talk to me right now, and I still don't see how he can assume my intentions. My intentions are harmless, I'm not trying anything, I am way too lazy for intentions. Suffice to say there's nothing I can do, I haven't done anything wrong, but in his head I've betrayed him, and since he's not talking to me we can't settle things.
Whatever, despite anything that's going on I'm pretty content. So my best friend is mad at, whatever he does this all the time. On the bright side everything else seems to be going good for me. Next weekend is going to be a vaction. I'm heading out to Saskatoon for my grandparents 50th Anniversary. It will be nice to not have to work for a while. It also gives me time to think, I dont know what I'll be thinking about, but I'll be thinking.
